Reasons why I Hate Christmas

I don't mean any disrespect to Christians or other people who share Christian beliefs but for me, "Christmas Time" is the most irritating and depressing time of year. Here's why.

1. The snow: most Christmas' it's not all snowy or all warm and dry . . . there's usually this mix of ugly brown slush everywhere.
2. I can't be the only person that thinks green looks hideous with red.
3. My parents listen to EZ Rock 104.9 FM in the car and this station becomes "The Christmas Station" right after Halloween. I hate driving alone so I have to choose between two things that I don't really like.
4. On the aforementioned radio station, Christian fundamentalists preach family values and give unsolicited advice for living your life . . . more often than they do at other times of the year.
5. I know that everyone that I should be giving something to on special ocassions wants a thoughtful gift but, as I'm sure you all know, I have way too many friends and too few brain cycles to share with everyone. These people should just accept a useful gift and shut up about it.
6. Since CIBC's very public and very embarassing involvement in the Enron and Worldcom scandals, The Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce has enacted policies in that any bank worker can point to and use as excuses for adjusting fees or bending rules thus preventing legitimate business people from attaining financing for the purchase of highly liquid capital assets. However, there are no policies in place that prevent all four people who are responsible for your business bank accounts at CIBC from simultaneously taking four week vacations or forcing these bottom-feeders of the finance industry to resolve basic banking issues in a timely manner.
7. There are a couple assholes that trespass through our acreage every year and top the nicest of our Colorado blue spruce. Little do these losers realize that I now have a firearms license, I can put five bullets into the area of a quarter of a dime at 250feet without a scope (hey, I'm a photographer), and, best of all, Chinese people eat anything.
8. Some (very clever and witty) motherfucker already beat me to the list. His reasons were written by a much more practiced hand he even has ten of them: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/oc/tirades/xmas.html.

5a. When I do come up with a truly useful and thoughtful gift idea, no one wants me to give it. Like my idea to give the universally-loved Hello Kitty vibrating massager to everyone in Leanna's family. Hey, if your dad wears Hello Kitty slippers he may as well have a matching vibrator.

Everything but #5 is more or less true. I actually don't have many friends and I believe that most of them are familiar with tradition and don't expect anything from me for Christmas. But if I do get/make them something, they are at least impressively adept at pretending to be grateful. Thanks, people.